it’s hard to find the space to be myself in all of this. and it’s hard not to escape it either. so many feelings and emotions, thoughts, fears, pains to deal with. so many many things to remind me that mm is not coming home again.
being at the hospital, even though she looks like she’s and is dying, i am much better in her presence because she is near. i am with her and she with me. when i am at the house, this empty house without her, i feel the dooming end coming and that reality is brutal, raw and final. no return. anything you want to say to her, share with her, tell her, must be done now. can i show her my reno pictures this morning? i would like to. it will be brief but i must try.
can i show that to her. or is it necessary. will i regret not doing to. she can hardly see. that is the problem. i will ask one more time and then i will not do it anymore.
further, there are the 5 sisters helping mom and i am grateful. we were so good over the weekend and thru the first half of the week. now i am finding it tedious esp the long winded answers. i cannot handle that.
what do i want to say to mom.
that you are a wonderful woman, so creative, kind and generous. thoughtful. wonderful. fairness is at your core. your beauty shines thru your face and smile, your laughter and your stories, your cooking, sewing, quilting, sharing, loving, forgiving, laughing, praying, hugging, smiling, caring.
for making me a special dress for my first communion – the pretty pink one
thank you for supporting me and being proud of me in 4-H and watching me at the fair showing my calf each year – you help us kids so much with our 4-H projects
thank you for saving my butt one year by knitting a scarf for me til the wee hours of the morning because it was due to my home-ec class the next day
thank you for putting up with my teen age antics and loving me thru it
thank you for helping me move to Toronto and trying to guide me away from modelling and into something that could last
for trusting me to practice my hair dressing on you and continuing to give me the privilege of cutting your hair through our lives together
for allowing me to live with you and Dad while I was going to Emily Carr. you gave me stability, love, space and respect
for offering your acura car when you could see I was struggling to own a car and keep making ends meet
for accepting and appreciating my dog Hunter. you knew that Hunter was MY child as unusual as that may have seemed and you never made me feel like he was not welcome
thank you for coming to see me in squamish as I did the sea to summit race – it meant the world to me that you and Dad would come to that for me.
thank you for visiting me at my work at Capers and for being proud of me there
for visiting me at my condo, townhouse and Naramata each year – i love sharing my home with you and know you especially enjoyed my place in the country – I know my moving away was difficult but you embraced my adventure anyway
thank you for being proud of me in my art and what I have done in the years to get where I am now, my journey has been varied and you always supported it, hair design, graphic design and now the vacation business and me creating and selling my art
i want you to know that the things that I love about you the most – is how creative, kind and generous you are. you have the grandest of hearts, the most colourful ideas and the capacity to forgive and love like no other.
i have always hope that you are proud of me and I realize that in fact you are – I will alwyas strive to make you and Dad proud of me, because I love you and because I come from you. you are my source, and god and that is both an honor and a treasure.
I am here as long as you need me mom – I know we are always connected by our blood but most importantly our hearts. I love you – Always.