5 years ago today

I lost the love of my life. Hunter. My lovelet. Yes he was my poochie and yes I have a love of my life, human.

Having been without Hunter for five years now and having gotten another dog since, I know without a shadow of a doubt Hunter was,… the love of my life.

I love our pooch Henry. He’s a darling and sweet and adorable and smart. He has gotten under my skin and into my heart too. But it’s different and I am glad. Hunter was everything to me. Since he left me I have had to grow upward and be more without him. Fill the gaps with myself, my personal interests and expressions rather than pour them all onto and into him. We was a gift. And will remain so, forever.Screen Shot 2015-08-09 at 8.16.22 AM

May 29, 2017

I haven’t written in such a long time. I have my head full, of art and Henry, and life here on the Bench. I miss missing you Hunter. I do. I find it harder and harder to capture your essence entwined in my heart feelings these days. Not making enough room. Though I love you every day. As I do my Mom, who by this time was suffering from the cancer growing inside of her, but unaware of it’s existence. I miss you both. Forever love. xoxP

December 26th

It has been a long time again Hunter. And time in healing in the death of my Mom has been drawn out and stupendous. I couldn’t feel for quite some time but Christmas Eve the gates opened and the flood was here.

About a week ago, a Facebook memory came up and it was you and Tess in the back of the car 9 years ago after we’d been snow shoeing. And I zoomed in at looked at your beautiful face and burst into tears. No thought. Just full on tears.

I miss you Hunter. Henry is such a huge distraction for the love for you I want to remember and embrace. It was good to cry. To love you all over again.

I will love you forever darling.

xoxP

long live my love for you

i haven’t written in a long time BooBoo. my life has been full. full of distractions and basically me trying to get my life back on track. by now you know that we have a new pooch in our lives and he’s a real handful outside. I hope he changes by the age of four like you did. You were an angle thereafter. henry is so afraid and aggressive to other dogs. its a real job to help him but i am trying. i was tough on you. i know that now. because i have more patience for henry. but you are still my one and only Hunter. i love you to bits and my care for henry is because of you. long live my love for you darlink. xoxox

my mother is dying

it’s hard to find the space to be myself in all of this. and it’s hard not to escape it either. so many feelings and emotions, thoughts, fears, pains to deal with. so many many things to remind me that mm is not coming home again.

being at the hospital, even though she looks like she’s and is dying, i am much better in her presence because she is near. i am with her and she with me. when i am at the house, this empty house without her, i feel the dooming end coming and that reality is brutal, raw and final. no return. anything you want to say to her, share with her, tell her, must be done now. can i show her my reno pictures this morning? i would like to. it will be brief but i must try.

can i show that to her. or is it necessary. will i regret not doing to. she can hardly see. that is the problem. i will ask one more time and then i will not do it anymore.

further, there are the 5 sisters helping mom and i am grateful. we were so good over the weekend and thru the first half of the week. now i am finding it tedious esp the long winded answers. i cannot handle that.

what do i want to say to mom.

that you are a wonderful woman, so creative, kind and generous. thoughtful. wonderful. fairness is at your core. your beauty shines thru your face and smile, your laughter and your stories, your cooking, sewing, quilting, sharing, loving, forgiving, laughing, praying, hugging, smiling, caring.

thank you

for making me a special dress for my first communion – the pretty pink one

thank you for supporting me and being proud of me in 4-H and watching me at the fair showing my calf each year – you help us kids so much with our 4-H projects

thank you for saving my butt one year by knitting a scarf for me til the wee hours of the morning because it was due to my home-ec class the next day

thank you for putting up with my teen age antics and loving me thru it

thank you for helping me move to Toronto and trying to guide me away from modelling and into something that could last

for trusting me to practice my hair dressing on you and continuing to give me the privilege of cutting your hair through our lives together

for allowing me to live with you and Dad while I was going to Emily Carr. you gave me stability, love, space and respect

for offering your acura car when you could see I was struggling to own a car and keep making ends meet

for accepting and appreciating my dog Hunter. you knew that Hunter was MY child as unusual as that may have seemed and you never made me feel like he was not welcome

thank you for coming to see me in squamish as I did the sea to summit race – it meant the world to me that you and Dad would come to that for me.

thank you for visiting me at my work at Capers and for being proud of me there

for visiting me at my condo, townhouse and Naramata each year –  i love sharing my home with you and know you especially enjoyed my place in the country – I know my moving away was difficult but you embraced my adventure anyway

thank you for being proud of me in my art and what I have done in the years to get where I am now, my journey has been varied and you always supported it, hair design, graphic design and now the vacation business and me creating and selling my art

i want you to know that the things that I love about you the most –  is how creative, kind and generous you are. you have the grandest of hearts, the most colourful ideas and the capacity to forgive and love like no other.

i have always hope that you are proud of me and I realize that in fact you are – I will alwyas strive to make you and Dad proud of me, because I love you and because I come from you. you are my source, and god and that is both an honor and a treasure.

I am here as long as you need me mom – I know we are always connected by our blood but most importantly our hearts. I love you – Always.

 

 

 

 

to remember

IMG_8414 copy 2

Dear Hunter

i was taken by a picture n sent to me of c’s wedding with mom & n and me & dad. Dad and i are sitting very close to each other as if telling secrets to each other just laughing and laughing. i love that picture and wanted to post it on facebook.  i cropped it and saved it and started to post it and stopped.

so what is that? why do i want to post it. why post without nj & mom. why highlight what i saw for others to see. what was that that “took me”?

i’m from a big family. i found evidence of dad enjoying my company. the picture looks like i’m being a bit of a goof and he was laughing. why is this so important for others to see. why was it so important for me to see? because i don’t feel important or noticed.

i didn’t take pictures at the wedding. it’s a first. i was just present. but in hindsight i think i’d have liked some of me and my family and my parents. how long will we be here? pictures are reminders of the times we shared. that’s all. it won’t bring them back when they are gone.

like you Hunter. my pictures remind me of the little things about you.

so at the next wedding this summer and moving forward, i will take pictures of me and my parents. of me and my family. to remember.