in the last 10-15 years i have had mixed feelings about saying the phrase “i miss you” or “i missed you”. it’s not about being stoic or appearing strong. and definitely not because i’m cold and unfeeling. on the contrary. it’s more that i really wanted to be genuine and express what i felt in the most truly fitting way. mostly thoughts around this came when my hubby went away with his kids to whistler for the week or when he went to the uk. he’d say he missed me and i’d wonder whether i did too.
but those were the days that Hunter was in my life. since Hunter died, i can honestly say that i know what missing means. both Hunter and when Mark goes away. missing my family, and friends. i know what that is. it’s been a long time coming back to me. that feeling.
when i was in art school, i remember feeling “missing”. a lot. too much. i knew i was lonely. i longed for something, someone. i longed.
i was sculpting the head of a wolf out of cedar and borrowed my sisters shepard to get the last details just right. it was the weekend. after several hours at work i started to feel restless and lonely so i took her dog to walk the seawall. i didn’t have a boyfriend and found meeting someone special to be,… the regular challenge it is. when you’re single and wishing you weren’t there’s always hope, when you go outside of your home. i mean, i’m not gonna meeting anyone new between the tv and the fridge now am i? i have many memories of that hope. as a single woman, many a time that i went for a walk or somewhere new, there was that hope. that i would meet someone wonderful. the hope for a comfortable companion.
so back to missing. well it leads me to this cleanse i am on. and the delirium causing cold i just endured. the last 24 hrs i have experienced missing. beyond a shadow of a doubt. and i wonder. is this intense feeling i have because all the shields are down? too tired still to take up normal exercise. no vices to rely on for a perk in the middle of the day or in the evening. no sugar, dairy, wheat, flour, alcohol. it’s a necessary cleanse so i’m sticking to it for the 12 days it lasts. the cold didn’t help matters any. as a matter of fact it makes knowing how i feel – the why of it – confusing. is it the cleanse or the cold. and that’s my physiology.
emotionally. i’ve felt the rawness of Hunter’s absence. being on a cleanse now, i can relate it to the craving i feel when i want something nice, something sweet and the response is the thought that the chai tea will be the answer or a glass of wine. but since last night my feeling of “missing” is real. it’s clear. it’s undoubted. if i could just touch him. wrap my hands around his beautiful face. see his big brown eyes and twirl his soft ears around my fingers. the sigh of relief would fill my aching heart.
i’d have to say that this missing hasn’t been as intense as this in the 22 months and 20 days that i have been without Hunter. this is different. this is heart ache. this is the missing that i know and forgot when Hunter was in my life. have i sedated myself enough these last 22 months and 20 days to avoid this heartache til now?
so what to do with this pressure in my chest. unlike a craving, there is nothing to satiate it. especially on this cleanse. there is nothing to use to mask it. i would have to say that this cleanse is a blessing. another layer of understanding. acceptance. healing.
i doubt anyone can imagine how i feel about losing Hunter. not my husband Mark. or my family or friends. readers. it’s a quiet ache that comes and goes and increases in volume but,… inside of me. no one knows. no one can see. knowing this creates mixed feelings. i know how i feel. i am a strong woman and the fact that i am pained so, still. well, i accept it. but i am certain i would be judged by the majority of people, that i miss my dog as long as i do. that i write about how it hurts me still to be without him. most people – i assume – don’t validate the love one feels for an animal. human love is the only real love there is. right? wrong. it’s not. and i don’t need anyone’s validation. because i am experiencing this. and so it is. is real. it’s here. it’s part of my life and daily living.
i wish it were easier to share with people about loss. but it’s not. we all want to feel good. and talking about this stuff is not something that’s gonna cheer you up! but it’s enlightening. at least for me. to share it and admit it, whether someone reads this or not. it doesn’t matter. it’s my truth and the truth is,… i miss Hunter. every single day. but the last 24 hours…, whoa. this is,… right-to-the-core-heart-ache-missing. from a strong, confident, and self sufficient woman.
i’m soft inside. just like the rest of us. all of us. right in the heart.
pets ♡ love is love 
